The Manhood Series: 8 Great Reasons Why She's Not Calling Back - The Jose Vilson

The Manhood Series: 8 Great Reasons Why She’s Not Calling Back

July 6, 2010

Lady GaGa, "Telephone" Video

For more from my Manhood Series, please check this tag. Have a great read!

If the first words that come out of my mouth are “He didn’t really say that!”, chances are I’m talking to a friend of mine about a some guy who threw her terrible lines. My face either looks like someone’s head just exploded or someone laid the worst gas possible and the room lit up. I’m somewhere between astonished, embarrassed, and mocking. When men are young (less than 24) , there’s some excuse for some of the behaviors I’m about to discuss here, but after 25, “you” are the trending answer to the question “Why can’t I get any?” I’ve heard so many stories in fact that I decided to let this unrevealed post out of the chambers, hoping people can crack up as much as I have.

*** for the record, I’m putting a hetero bias on this, but flip this how you will as I’ve seen this in LGBT relationships, too ***

8 Reasons (In No Particular Order) Why She’s Not Calling Back

8. You dedicated your social media status to her.

I’ve found that more women don’t want their dating business on Front Street and Highlight Boulevard. Sexy pictures? Sure. Farmville status? OK. Mayor of some obsure store / restaurant on 4Square? Certainly. But the whole world knowing that some random guy likes her and people commenting in that timeline? Unprofessional. As a matter of fact, if you’re unfollowing / defriending / reporting other men on the basis that they’re also trying to speak to the same person you’re trying to talk to and you haven’t done anything about your own situation, you’re foolish. Speaking of which …

7. You wrote a 10-page letter to her that had little relevance to … her.

Full disclosure: I’m not a fan of romantic letters anymore. Then again, when I was, posts like these were dedicated to me. Letters aren’t for people who you’re simply flirting with. They’re for people you’ve taken to the next level, whether it’s friendship or “seeing.” If you must insist, make it concise, well-thought-out and … unintimidating. With some cologne. It’s probably appropriate it be on some paper, not a receipt from the faux-Chinese restaurant across the street. And if it comes down to that, spray a little scent of yours … and make sure it’s not just chicken and fries. And that reminds me …

6. You do things for her when she looks uncomfortable while you’re doing it.

Face it: every guy’s done something that they thought might attract his suitor only to find out she thought he was a chauvinist pig / overindulgent loser. I once tried to date a young lady who I found simply awesome. After dinner, I thought I’d pay for dinner, a gentlemanly thing to do on normal occasions. However, I ran into two issues: she didn’t want me to pay for the whole meal and she said she didn’t want me to pay for the whole meal. I was so sure I was doing right by re-insisting that I’d pay that I couldn’t hear that I could be saving money by not paying. Needless to say, I failed. If she’s saying it, take her at her word. (And of course, hold her to it.)

5. You’re still trying to find Cinderella when she’s a cartoon.

Yes, women want to feel special, but no, she often doesn’t want to be the main character in this movie, because movies can be great, but they can also be horrors. Men who overdo the gentleman thing have a greater chance of losing all credibility out there. I also find men who believe in too many movies set their standards very high … usually because they fear actually getting into a relationship with someone or setting some false power structure where they’re the rejectors instead of the rejected. Words of advice here: stick to the script.

4. You tell your friends to tell your friends to tell your friends to tell her you like her.

There comes a time in our lives when we have to leave the childish things far behind us. This is one of those things. Women like their partners to be thoughtful and decisive. When you as the guy say, “I like her,” you’re free to consult with a few friends, but don’t tell her through an associate or one of her friends. Make it happen yourself or don’t do it at all. I’ve told my boys in 8th grade this, and they’re better for it now. If you’re a free agent, you’re asked to get out there and do your own recruiting. You’re not LeBron James, and you’ll have as many rings as he does if you keep that up.

3. You think it’s concentrated communication; she thinks it’s stalking.

Nowadays, I’m skeptical about the tag “stalking” since that term is far overused. I know people who use the word “stalking” when the guy calls the lady 2 times in a 24 hour span. The definition of stalking is a funky thing for people not named Cameron Diaz or Salma Hayek, but for the average woman, the rubric is rather simple. E-mailing more than thrice in a 3 hour span? Stalking. Calling 10 times straight and leaving a voicemail each time when she hasn’t responded? Stalking. Sending stuff to her apartment / office building when she never told you exactly where she lives / works? Time to keep 100 yards or more from her. Some of this has to be clear. Balance is key.

2. You’re too nice.

Genuinely nice guys get girls, and many of them have led great relationships. However, the normal “nice guy” falls into the other category: the guy who’s got no game and has a sexist point of view that if he treats the woman like crap like “those other guys” did, then he’ll get some as well. I mean it. And it’s wrong. Don’t go there. I can tell you from far too many experiences I’d rather not share here various sources that it’s not the way to go. Acquire some game, reintroduce yourself, and downgrade the nice.

1. You’re not a challenge.

The other, and larger, side effect of being too nice is that you’re not a challenge. Neil Strauss can tell you that it’s not that you smelled funky or that you still wear fake jewels to the “club;” it’s that you’re not a challenge. After introducing yourself, express your interest … to a point. Women have mechanisms encoded in them to disaggregate the real suitors from the fake ones, and one of those tests is the nice guy test. Fail this one and you’re too deep in the friend zone, and few men have ventured back out. If you’re a challenge, you’re making a statement saying that you like the lady and you’d like to continue the conversation, but you’re going to make her earn your trust, too. Women hate pushovers, even as they tolerate them hanging on.

If you see yourself in any of these people, I beg you to either go to Neil Strauss or The Fly Guy. They’ll take you from there. As for me, I’m not a fan of recalling my (lack of) romantic past, though I swear to everyone reading this I’m a bit better at this as a full-grown adult. It’s wonderful.

Am I missing something here? Any stories you’d like to share regarding guys who can’t get it together?

Jose, who hopes this counts towards community service hours …

This post was written by...

José Luis Vilson is a math educator, blogger, speaker, and activist. For more of my writing, buy my book This Is Not A Test: A New Narrative on Race, Class, and Education, on sale now.

For more about me, read here.

{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }

teachermrw July 6, 2010 at 9:44 pm

All good points, Jose. But, a woman has no real reason to call a man. Even just to chat. That said, a woman should only call if a man calls her. Just the way it should be, IMHO.

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Jose July 6, 2010 at 9:49 pm

Ha, you’ll notice I said “call back.” That’s imperative. I don’t know about these gender-specific calls, but as it is the social norm, it’s cool. Women have very good reasons to call men … but I can’t talk about them just yet.

Reply

Ella July 6, 2010 at 9:52 pm

Another reason: you pushed a sexual agenda too soon. Pointed flirting, overt remarks, blatant gestures on the first date? Yeah, I axed someone immediately after that. No amount of apologizing detracts from the fact that you went there so quickly. Very ungentlemanly indeed.

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e. July 18, 2010 at 9:15 am

great list, men all around need to read it

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