Top 5 Things Not To Say At Parent-Teacher Conference - The Jose Vilson

Top 5 Things Not To Say At Parent-Teacher Conference

by Jose Vilson on March 3, 2009

in Jose

Liam Neeson in <i>Taken</i>

Liam Neeson in Taken

This past Thursday, I had my second series of parent teacher conferences at school. I have a good to great relationship with parents, mainly because I try to maintain some form of communication with them, either through progress reports or phone calls. Yet I’ve seen so many mistakes during parent-teacher conferences that I’m astonished we don’t have training about dealing with parents specifically. Feel free to contribute your offerings in the comment box. I’m sure to be missing other horrible things.

5. “I didn’t do anything wrong.”

As you’ll see with some of the comments I’ll highlight below, a big part of dealing with parents is knowing when to say things indirectly but concretely. You want to come across as firm and confident, not defensive and / or apologetic.

4. “Your son / daughter may just need a shower.”

I’ve heard it. Personal hygiene questions should be redirected to someone else, or maybe said indirectly. Then again, I still don’t address it usually.

3. “Meeting you now, it’s no wonder why your child acts the way they do.”

Alright, so you’re not being defensive, but now you’re being offensive. Even if you’re a parent, attacking another parent directly is usually uncalled for. Unless they attack you, then I’ll turn around when anything happens. I won’t tell.

2. (while a parent is reprimanding a student) “I think you’re being a little too harsh.”

It’s one thing to think that the parent’s being too harsh, even when the child got a 65 on your report card and the parent, who works a full-time job, took time out of their busy work schedule just to see their child’s turning out to be wasting their time. And it’s quite another to do it in the middle of a heated dispute between the parent and the child. Rather than say that directly, it’s better to give a more reaffirming and positive tone to your voice if you think the child has potential to do better. If the child earns the chastising, then let it be.

1. “You’re wrong.”

Mission: abort. That’s the last thing you want to tell the person who you’re supposed to work with for the betterment of the child’s education. You can say it, but there are better ways to tell someone they’re wrong without telling them they’re wrong. I’ve had to tell parents about the facts and the realities that happen in their classroom versus what they supposedly act like in home. I’ve had to show parents their child’s portfolio and compare it to others. Again, all facts. But “You’re wrong” sends off a different connotation.

Now, all of these statements come with the stipulation that the parent isn’t threatening your life. Then, you’re free to go Liam Neeson on these fools. Otherwise, please be cautious and constructive. Parents, even more than co-workers, can be your best friends.

Jose, who let a few kids have it right in front of their parents, and they loved it …

{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }

Miss Eyre March 3, 2009 at 4:28 pm

You make some excellent points! I agree with what you said.

I’d like to add that I’ve made the mistake of promising parents and the kids the world in order to get their babies to pass. If you want to offer extra help or extra credit, do it, but make it very limited and very specific. And if you want to offer tutoring or homework help specifically, make it at a specific day and time, say one or two days a week at lunch or after school–and no other time. Make it clear that you have a life and other responsbilities, and if a kid wants another change, he/she needs to do the legwork and not always count on the teacher to bail him/her out.

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Latinegro March 4, 2009 at 1:05 am

It is a shame that they do not have parent/professor conferences at the college level. I can only imagine how those will go. I wonder if I would be more amused by the rich fathers reaction of find out this son or daughter binge drinks from thursday through sunday or the middle class parent finding that their child misses class on the regular becaue of large consumptions of weed…

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Mocha Dad March 4, 2009 at 8:43 pm

These are some great tips. Thanks for giving an educator’s perspective.

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Miss Profe March 6, 2009 at 12:31 pm

A teacher would have to be pretty ignorant to say any of the five things you present, Jose. Thank you for speaking the truth, as always.

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Mary Bliss March 18, 2009 at 12:52 pm

How do I deal with middle school teachers who think I abandoned my child by dropping him off at school? They are so busy doing what they think the parents “ought” to do it’s taking away from class time. Why don’t they just tell us there is a problem? Kids are not going to go home and say “Mrs. X said I dress like a distrespectful slob and look under the girls skirts.” They are going to say “Mrs. X freaked out today”; not: “I got out of her stupid class and the principal made me button my shirt the way it was when I left the house. He said something else about respect…”

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Jose March 19, 2009 at 8:07 pm

I don’t know the particulars, Mary Bliss, but what I do know is that eachers are supposed to be utterly professional, and parents also have to be held to a high standard, too. Have a serious discussion about what’s going on at your school. That’s my best answer.

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Me Not You October 22, 2012 at 1:46 pm

I actually heard someone say, “You certainly must have had these problems with “child’s name” in the past”, then looked stupidifed when the parent said “No”.

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