For the last week or so, I’ve had NFL Hall of Famer Cris Carter’s words ring in my head in his response to the current consternation about NFL running backs Ray Rice and Adrian Peterson. His quote “My mom did the best job she could do. My mom was wrong” juxtaposed with “You know what? Take em off the daggone field because, you know what, as a man, that’s the only thing we really respect. We don’t respect no women. We don’t respect no kids. The only thing Roger and them do, take them off the field cuz they respect that” made me think about schools and parenting.
In particular, it made me think of the unwritten rules about parent-teacher communication, and how often many of us would observe parents not just threaten to beat their kids, but also hear of students get a beating, prompted by that educators’ phone call. Some of us might have even hoped that the phone call would lead to such a beating.
Yet, as my friend Alexa (@alexachula) said this on Twitter:
“Listen, beating your kids doesn’t work. They’re still not doing HW, fighting, cussing, & talking back. I spend 6.5 hours w/your kid, I know.”
This is a critical aspect of the Adrian Peterson conversation for educators. In the past, I’ve been of the mindset that sparing the rod meant spoiling the child. When I think about the hundreds of students I’ve taught and met, my best students never got beaten. Love, structure, and discussions seemed to work best for them. It was my more rambunctious kids who were the most fragile and, often, the most beaten. They also felt the least loved. Corporal punishment is still legal in 23 states, despite the studies showing more progressive ways to instill discipline and positive school culture.
So, all that beating seems to accomplish is making kids less confident in their own person and more agitated at the sight of authority. That includes teachers.
Even our classroom management strategies might need an upgrade, for, if schools are supposed to function as safe havens, why do we continue to work against that so often? Why do we run mock prisons and threaten students ad nauseam about ending up in jail or flipping burgers for a living? How do we re-define the word discipline as restraint towards achieving a wholeness, not destroying as a means of stripping apart?
This cuts across so many lines and gets more complicated the deeper you look, but it’s unfair for us to not look, to not see the legacies we’ve inherited, and the impressions we leave on the children who will have to ask themselves the same questions, scars and all.
A love supreme, a love supreme, a love supreme …
Beautiful. When I was young, my brother was always against the wall at school. It was so sad, and like you say, my parents did their best to try to remedy the situation with what they knew. Then yesterday I was at the store, a young and anxious couple with a young child were at the counter. It was evident that they loved the child and it was also evident that life for this couple was very tough. The words they used towards the child were so angry and hateful, yet I knew they didn’t mean it, and it was clear the words were the same words they heard growing up. Your message is so strong and right, and we have to educate each other about the best ways to love and care for our children in schools and at home. It’s a matter of learning what works, and unlearning what many knew as children. Finally, I’m reminded of what I’ve read about the American Indians thoughts about the way the early European Americans treated their children–they thought it was harsh. We have a long way to grow to be a loving world, a world that cares well for each other. Thanks again for your wisdom, Jose.
Glad you came around from the “spare the rod” idea. I’m white*, so I should probably just shut up, but I’m going to shoot my mouth off anyway. In general I don’t espouse bootstrap ideas and I don’t think that “the black community” is responsible for its own suffering nor can “respectability” change much of anything. But if there is anything that blacks can do to help themselves, it’s exactly the opposite of “spare the rod”. With white people so eager to beat blacks down, why are blacks so eager to beat their own kids down? Do you think that’s how rich white folks raise their kids to view themselves as top of the world? Heck no – rich white kids are raised to believe they are the most special and wonderful and worthy people on the planet.
Now, I understand that even if blacks raise their kids like that, they still have black skin, so the rest of the world still might not see them as the most special, wonderful or worthy people. But if you can’t get that kind of unconditional support at home, where else are you going to get it? Alfie Kohn talks about “BGUTI” – “better get used to it” – the idea that kids need to be prepared early to face the adversities they’ll face later in life. But that’s exactly backward. Getting beaten doesn’t prepare you to face getting beaten, it just beats you down. If you want to prepare your kids for future adversity, fill them so full of love and support and confidence that they’ll always know they’re worthy of love no matter how little love the world is giving them.
My 2 cents, sorry if that’s racist.
* but married to a black man and the mother of two mixed race girls if that matters, which I know it might not.
You cannot dwell on the burden we carry as being the only, if not the first rational adults in these childrens’ lives that don’t resort to violence towards them; thinking about it makes it heavier. That violence could be psychological through our words and body language, but sometimes it takes a while before they accept the fact that you’re real: an adult who does not curse at them, bully them, but actually seeks to create a space where they can be safe and comfortable with themselves.
Of course by law we cannot ‘lay hands’ on a child (in CA, anyway), but every day we have to be that adult that child does not get at home.
Just today I discovered that one of our new 6th graders is the archetype for dysfunction: abandoned by mom, dad inconsistent, taken in by grandparents, displaying anger and bitterness towards adults. Instead of yelling and ‘tough love’ for his rambunctious behavior, this young man needs lots of hugs and lap time.
I apologize for this tardy but relevant response.
“Spare the rod ,spoil the child”( corporal punishment) is negative residue inherited from slavery( consciously unaware though) and then it was reinforced during the Jim Crow era as a mechanism of survival.
Fearful for what society might do to Blacks, the defense was to , so to speak, ” put the fear of God in you”. They would much rather deal with their children in this way than to allow the dominant culture have their way ( lynching, jail, etc.).
Ironically, I do believe Black families used corporal punishment out of love.
Yet today , when it is used from a place of anger and hopelessness, I believe it becomes abuse.
I would love for any adult responsible for children’s growth and development to teach them how to properly articulate what they are thinking and behaving , as well as conflict resolution and problem solving at home, school, and in the community. Therefore, parents, teachers and community helpers should step up with a new language that speaks love, hugs and kisses.
By the way Dianne, your comments don’t come off as racist but they are “real”.